


got a feeling that i’m going under (but i know that i’ll make it out alive)

by BloodRaven55



Category: RWBY
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, and also, and there's also plenty of, however it is, it's all in the past but like, like i'm not joking this one gets pretty dark, so hopefully that makes up for it, so i'm gonna give fair warning for, this was inspired by the latest dc comic issue but there aren't any actual spoilers, yeah don't read if that's stuff that triggers you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-18 13:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21761446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodRaven55/pseuds/BloodRaven55
Summary: “What’s wrong?”Yang seems to shake herself out of whatever it is that caught her attention, the slightly shocked look leaving her features as she relaxes, leaning back against the wall where she’s sitting on— Blake realises with a start that her partner is sitting on her bed, but dealing with that will have to wait for another time, because she still wants to know what bothered Yang so much for a moment.
Relationships: Blake Belladonna/Adam Taurus (mentioned), Blake Belladonna/Yang Xiao Long
Comments: 18
Kudos: 223





	got a feeling that i’m going under (but i know that i’ll make it out alive)

**Author's Note:**

> This one is going to get rough so I just want to make sure I provide adequate warning, There's some reference to and discussion to a single past incident of self harm here, and also some talk of past borderline suicidal thoughts. None of it is graphic, and if I've succeeded then hopefully it's all handled tastefully and respectfully too and not glamourised in any way, but it is there. So if you're not comfortable reading anything like that then I won't remotely judge, that's totally fair. Just wanted to let y'all know in advance so it didn't come out of nowhere. I am completely incapable of writing pure angst generally, though, so this is definitely a hopeful piece overall, I'd say.
> 
> Lyrics in the title are from Stitches by Shawn Mendes.
> 
> Anyways, now that I've covered that... enjoy!

Blake tugs down the Atlas pyjama shirt, comforted by the feel of soft cotton against her skin and the air against her bare arms after wearing stiff skintight leather all day. Her nail catches on a thread in the fabric, and she glances down at her hands, realising that she needs to trim them sometime soon with the constant action leaving them rough and a little too long for convenience.

She’s snapped out of her thoughts by a quiet gasp from across the room, and she looks up sharply to find Yang watching her with wide eyes. Blake casts her eyes around them with a hint of panic, checking behind herself to see what spooked her partner, but there’s nothing as far as she can tell, and she turns back to face Yang genuinely confused. Now curious to know the answer, she raises an eyebrow.

“What’s wrong?”

Yang seems to shake herself out of whatever it is that caught her attention, the slightly shocked look leaving her features as she relaxes, leaning back against the wall where she’s sitting on— Blake realises with a start that her partner is sitting on her bed, but dealing with that will have to wait for another time, because she still wants to know what bothered Yang so much for a moment.

“I just— I thought I saw— never mind, it was nothing.” Yang returns her attention to her Scroll, clearly feeling awkward at the knowledge that Blake noticed her staring, and Blake tries to forget the temporary weirdness herself.

She goes into the bathroom to cut her nails, and when she lifts her hand to inspect her work it all falls into place far too perfectly, along with the leaden weight of her heart dropping into her stomach. She can still see the silvery line on the inside of her wrist—thin and a little faded but still obviously visible enough for Yang to make out—and she grabs onto the edge of the sink as a sudden wave of nausea washes over her.

She almost managed to forget what she’d done one night soon after she returned home to Menagerie— the pain she’d inflicted on herself in a moment of weakness because all she wanted was to feel something. _Anything_ other than the total numbness that had taken over. It hadn’t worked then, but here and now she can feel herself shaking, and she closes her eyes, counting slow breaths in and out as she tries to regain control.

She’s never felt the urge to repeat that mistake, but the abrupt reminder of just how close she came to drowning is still more than horrifying enough, and she struggles not to bring her dinner back up as bile rises in her throat. The world is spinning, the only thing that she can hear is the deafening silence threatening to choke her, and she leans forward, trying to rebalance and recenter herself.

She isn’t sure how long it takes before it no longer feels like an effort just to breathe, but when everything rushes back into focus she can hear someone knocking on the bathroom door, a voice calling softly from the other side.

“Hey, uh— everything okay?”

Blake stifles a slightly hysterical laugh, because of _course_ Yang would think to check on her. Perfect, kind, golden Yang, who’s far too pure and noble for— _no._ She kills that train of thought before it can even get going, determined never to go back to that place. Instead she runs a shaky hand over her face and forces herself upright, mostly just grateful that her stomach doesn’t turn at the sudden movement.

“I’m fine,” she says once she’s sure her voice will be steady enough to be convincing. “You can come in.”

Yang slips into the room before shutting the door behind her, and Blake tries to school her expression into something approaching neutral. The concern in her partner’s eyes is too much to handle right now, though, and she can feel her lower lip trembling just a little despite her best efforts. Yang must be able to tell that she’s definitely not fine, because she reaches out to take Blake’s hand, idly playing with her fingers in a way that probably shouldn’t be as comforting as it is.

“You don’t have to tell me what’s going on,” Yang says slowly. “But please just— just tell me how I can help. Whatever it is, I promise I’ll do it.”

“I just—” Her partner is so sincere— Blake can’t hold it back anymore. The dam breaks, and her next words catch on the beginning of a sob. “I just n-need a hug.”

Yang’s arms are around her before she can say anything else, holding her gently as her partner presses her lips to her forehead in the softest kiss imaginable, and Blake lets herself fall apart. She didn’t realise that she still had tears to cry for what Adam Taurus did to her, but this feels necessary— a release of something that’s been trapped for far too long.

“I’ve got you,” Yang murmurs, soft and warm and safe and everything Blake needs. “It’s okay, baby.”

It isn’t long before Blake’s breaths calm and her shoulders stop shaking. Yang’s presence alone is soothing, and it makes it easier to silence the persistent little voice in her head. She pulls back to press their foreheads together, the closest thing to giving the kiss back to her partner that she’s ready for at the moment, and the contact helps her stay grounded, keeping her in the present and not the past.

“I— I _want_ to talk about it,” Blake says. “But not standing in this tiny bathroom.”

By unspoken agreement they move to Blake’s bunk, and Yang sits up against the headboard while Blake curls into her side, head resting on her partner’s chest and one arm wrapped firmly around Yang’s waist. Yang’s fingers begin to run lightly through her hair, and Blake hums in contentment, letting her eyes drift shut again. It’ll be easier to say what she needs to this way anyway.

“Yang, you have to understand— when I said Adam messed with my head, I meant it. For a long time, I wasn’t _right_. Because he made me see things in a totally different way. I still have to remind myself that he was lying every day, because if one of those thoughts gets through then— well, then this happens. What I’m trying to say is… I wasn’t in a good place when I went home. A-After Beacon. At all. And I need you to know that this— this isn’t how I think anymore.”

Yang doesn’t answer with words, but she moves her hand to interlace their fingers instead, and Blake gives a grateful squeeze in return as she continues. “I thought I was to blame. For all of it. Torchwick, the White Fang, Beacon falling, what happened to _you_. And when I thought about it, I couldn’t remember a single good thing I’d done. A single thing that I succeeded at. I tried to fight for my people, and I ended up standing by while Adam took countless innocent lives instead. I tried to become a Huntress—to protect people—and the organisation I used to work for attacked my new home and helped to murder my friends instead. The man I loved took the arm of the woman I love instead. Just to hurt me.”

“Blake, that wasn’t—”

“ _Please._ Please let me finish, because if you don’t, I’m not sure I’ll ever be brave enough to say this.” Yang falls silent once more, and Blake takes a deep breath. “I just wanted it to stop. I wanted everything to stop. All I could see was everyone I loved in pain and in my head there was nowhere else to point the finger except at myself. Because it was _always_ my fault. He— He made sure of that.” She pauses for a moment, swallowing hard. “Yang, I wanted to die. Or at least, I didn’t want to live.”

Her partner is totally still, almost too still, and Blake looks up to see that Yang’s face has gone pale. When Yang finally speaks, Blake can tell from her voice that she’s holding back tears. “Did— Did you—“

“No. I didn’t— I _couldn’t_ —” She turns her arm so that her partner can see her wrist— see what she accidentally caught a glimpse of earlier. “It was just one time. I don’t even know what I was trying to do. Whatever it was, it didn’t work. That was when I knew that— that something was _broken_ inside me. That _he’d_ broken something inside me.” Yang cautiously runs her thumb over the scar, and a shiver runs down Blake’s spine. “I scared myself.”

“It scares me too,” Yang says when it’s clear that Blake has finished talking, so low Blake can only just hear it. “To think that I could have lost you and not even known. That you had so much pain that I— I didn’t even _see_. I can’t stand it. Gods, Blake, how are you so brave?”

Blake laughs, but there’s no humour in it. “I don’t _feel_ brave. I feel like I’ve just spent my life giving up, over and over again. And I _know_ it’s not true, but that doesn’t make it easier.”

“But that’s exactly what makes you brave,” Yang says. “You’ve been through so much— _too_ much—but you’re still here. Giving up, breaking— it doesn’t make you weak, Blake. Not if you keep moving forward regardless. And that’s what you’ve done.”

“I’ll try to remember that,” Blake promises. “But I might need you to remind me sometimes, if— if that’s okay?

She meets Yang’s eyes, feeling hopeful for the first time in this whole conversation, and her partner leans in to gently nudge their noses together. “Of course. And you can remind me too.”

Blake yawns, exhaustion catching up to her now that the emotional high has drained away, and Yang lifts her hand to press a single kiss to the inside of her wrist, her touch as soft as her lips, before shifting to lie down against the pillows. Blake readjusts until she’s lying more comfortably, still tucked into Yang’s side, and she falls asleep with a small but genuine smile on her face for the first time in as long as she can remember.

**Author's Note:**

> This was probably one of the hardest things I've ever written and part of me didn't really want to go there but... the inspiration insisted and I gave in. Thanks for reading and I'd really appreciate any feedback people want to leave as always <3


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